images

The morning after!

I celebrated my 26th bday with entire species of troglodyte-sapiens effectively paying my mortgage in ad and book sales in 36 hours and going fantastically nutso about my outrageous, offensive, and completely factual response to someone. I’ll save everyone the googling to report that yes, I am a writer, and yes, I write pretty egregiously honest memoirs. The Taylor Swift of literature. It has worked out quite well thus far.I also have two sisters. They are rather pleasant, probably much more so than I. One is also a writer. The other is a doctor.

If you’re too broke to buy a $2.99 Kindle version of my books (yes, there are two: Type A+ and DIGFAST) since all your loose change goes to porn and acne cream, here’s a repost of my second-most read post from earlier this year, which was accepted but quickly devolved into reality show bait from which we walked away. Enjoy, you beautifully rabid Internet crazies, you:

The Craigslist Wedding Daters: A proposal

Alright, so we don’t do too much of this kind of thing here, but for the sake of getting in front of these people, we just had to publish our response to this amazing Craigslist ad looking for two wedding dates.

Messrs Dave & Mike:

My friend [Anonymous] and I are highly interested in your wedding date proposition.
I stumbled across this gem while enjoying a normal day at work–I’m a social media pro that spends 95% of my billable time trolling social media sites. But don’t worry–I’m half-Chinese, and therefore extremely tan year-round, in addition to being socially-adjusted, despite my cyber-heavy blogging life.
[Anonymous] is my sorority sister from college, Vanderbilt University. She’s headed to medical school and has been my international travel buddy, law-breaking partner in crime, and go-to resource to answer questions like, “how do I deal with the Duke of Haverfordshire’s weird sexual fetishes?,” and, “How much is six million Arab Emirate Dirhams in USD?”
So why us? For starters, I can tell you that my life is a series of these kinds of absurdly perfect chance meetings. You want proof? Check out the memoir I wrote about it: http://www.amazon.com/Type-A-Quin-Woodward-Pu/dp/1463742223
I could wax poetic about all the reasons [Anonymous] and I make the perfect pairing, but you guys are boys, so I opted for no-nonsense bullet points instead.
  • We have strong party abilities. Not only are we excellent arm candy, but we can sustain all night long (but never overdo tastelessly), and hold intelligent, thought-provoking conversations. We’ve both done it with royalty, former Presidents, and rap stars. You could say we are utilitarian.
  • What one doesn’t have, the other does–brunette to blonde, all-American to exotic, writer to doctor, Southerner to New Englander. Unfortunately we are both rather buxom, tan, and well-dressed, so whichever one of you prefers anorexic trampires in Old Navy is going to have to deal.
  • It’s clear from your call to action that you appreciate the absurd, and that’s just what Pu-[Anonymous] industries specializes in. Please see the attached Photoshop magnificence and this Pinterest board I made you for more examples of our creativity and non-stop down-to-party mentality.
Oh, and if you wanted this to be a movie–fear not, I can write that script in a few weeks and have it pitched within a month. And you’d better believe we’ll be taping Today show interviews the morning after.
Cordially,
Quin & [Anonymous]
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116 comments

  1. tokyorose · September 25, 2013

    This is the new scholarship. This is the Craigslist scholarship. And to you it’s tenure, and you don’t get it. Why? Because to give it to you would be like letting Sotomayor write a majority opinion. They’re for PRANCING SCHOLARS. THEY ARE FOR RAWLS.

    • Khan Noonien Singh · September 25, 2013

      180

      • ho lee fuk · September 25, 2013

        .

        • john rawls · September 25, 2013

          180

          • tokyorose · September 25, 2013

            you never call.

          • tokyorose · September 25, 2013

            but COASE does!!!!

            u jealous MUCH

            • john rawls · September 25, 2013

              but only i will dress you in the resplendent robes of scholarship

    • scholarship · September 25, 2013

      180

    • Frank D. · September 25, 2013

      Holy sh*t – a writer? Really a “writer”?? To be clear what you are is a self promoting delusional cunt void of any literary talent with the exception of – if my dog ate a can of alphabet soup I would agree you would be able to put together better constructed sentences then the ones he could shit out – but barely and his would definitely be more creative.
      Writer… LOL. Wake up you fuck-tard.

      • Lynda Day · September 25, 2013

        Apparently if people self publish these days, they’re “writers” LOL…

    • andy doobs · September 25, 2013

      you are one enormous bitch. in every sense of the word

      • andy doobs · September 25, 2013

        edit: ^that was meant to be a stand alone poast

  2. Mr Magoo · September 25, 2013

    the only person paying your mortgage is your doctor father. lol

  3. lol just lol · September 25, 2013

    You’re lying, plain and simple.

    • U is a sl ut · September 25, 2013

      She is completely delusional. Her Amazon stats are shockingly bad.

  4. pleasedonteatmemam · September 25, 2013

    You didn’t watch “Warhorse” did you? There are some important life lessons you need to learn.

  5. tokyorose · September 25, 2013

    Classical philosophers tell us time and again that what really matters is how scholarship has changed their day-to-day lives. The way they can pay mortgages through a modern Geocities page and shop without worry. The way they can afford the wants in life, not just the needs, and then more wants, and more wants, and yes I will have another treat, and more! The way their flexible schedules allow quality time on social media sites with those in the same mysterious U street social club. The way heart-to-heart conversations with their twitter followers in line for a snarky photo booth remind them they’re making a difference in others’ lives.

    You can be one of these top scholars. You can let 300 comments from strangers buy you a starter condo and spur you to tenure. With scholarship, it’s possible! Set your sights on the sweetest scholarly treats during this year’s SYMPOSIUM. Scholars just like you have done it, and now it’s your turn. Define your future. Design your destiny. Dare to dream!

    • lol just lol · September 25, 2013

      .

      • ppppuuuuuuuuuuuuuu · September 25, 2013

        breathing?

    • Magic Johnson · September 25, 2013

      This is true scholarship

  6. ian snowdwn · September 25, 2013

    lmao. flame

  7. pleasedonteatmemam · September 25, 2013

    In conversing with several of my colleagues, we have come up with several possible names for your next “hit” memoir. They include:

    a farewell to cakes: the failure of will
    An Immovible Feast
    the great fatsby(you should really like this one)
    The Brothers Ben & Jerry
    Where the Redbone Gravy Grows
    Catch-22 Plates of Ribs
    For Whom the Taco Bell Tolls
    A Gym to Far
    Life of Pie
    Lost Count of the Monte Cristos
    A Connecticut Yankee in Burger King’s Court

    • Bob Petumkin · September 25, 2013

      “Forrest Plump”

    • crying and vomiting · September 25, 2013

      She has read ‘Molasseys’ dozens of times.

    • K · September 25, 2013

      ET: the Extra(Chubby)terrestrial

    • Jonathan · September 25, 2013

      You forgot ‘Pumpkin Head’.

    • Khan Noonien Singh · September 25, 2013

      titclink

  8. tokyorose · September 25, 2013

    For sale: scholarship, never read.

    • crying and vomiting · September 25, 2013

      lol

  9. Daniel Dooberstein · September 25, 2013

    The ad revenue we generated for you yesterday paid your mortgage? So your fancy DC condo costs about $3 a month?

  10. tokyorose · September 25, 2013

    Do you like John Rawls? I’ve been a big reflective equilibrium fan ever since the release of his 1971 hit, “A Theory of Justice.” Before that, I really didn’t understand any of his work. Too artsy, too intellectual. It was on A Theory of Justice where, uh, social justice’s presence became more apparent. I think The Law of Peoples is the scholar’s undisputed masterpiece. It’s an epic meditation on international justice. At the same time, it deepens and enriches the meaning of the preceding three tomes.

  11. tokyorose · September 25, 2013

    Smash Mouth needs no introduction. You’ve all seen their scholarship. You know that Lord Blackstone enjoyed their music enough to allow it to serve as the soundtrack to his adventures. Sure, they may act like they’re just another pop-rock band, but it’s no secret: They serve as emissaries of the Jeremy Bentham himself, using their massive hit songs to spread the truth throughout the land. Scholarship is love. Scholarship is life.

    All Star Smash Hits consists of “All Star,” “I’m a Believer,” and an assortment of filler tracks that did not appear in any law reviews. However, much like an ogre, this album has layers. From ska, to punk, to pop, to rock, and every combination between them, each track shows a new side of the band and contributes to a listening experience that rivals a lecture from Ruth Bader Ginsburg in your law center. This also shows fans that they care. Despite the fact that this would already be the universe’s greatest record if the only track was “All Star,” the band has contributed a whopping 19 additional tracks constructed with the utmost care and precision so that those who wish to hear the words of the Layered Messiah can get more than their money’s worth.

    Any cheeky Volokh Conspirator that derides Smash Mouth for being a one hit wonder is missing the point. The band only needed one hit. Anything else would have been redundant. Steve Harwell and his disciples are not musicians. They are prophets, visionaries, and messengers who sought to show the world the wonder that is scholarship, and they succeeded.

    Scholarship is love. Scholarship is life.

  12. ppppuuuuuuuuuuuuuu · September 25, 2013

    mortgage.&blacktie.just sendtext to make it?

  13. ppppuuuuuuuuuuuuuu · September 25, 2013

    need to just make it& ulysses lies and lies

  14. ppppuuuuuuuuuuuuuu · September 25, 2013

    so just 80 iq social club & gala.make it?

  15. ppppuuuuuuuuuuuuuu · September 25, 2013

    gotta wordpress.hits&talk.to.my.lawyer.wanna make it

  16. ppppuuuuuuuuuuuuuu · September 25, 2013

    so now online dating.kids these days&.txt

  17. ppppuuuuuuuuuuuuuu · September 25, 2013

    dc.rooftops..bowties=billions&.ivy??

  18. ppppuuuuuuuuuuuuuu · September 25, 2013

    ? going back to cotillion.make it!

  19. crying and vomiting · September 25, 2013

    ppppuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu’s operating at a high level right now brothers

  20. ppppuuuuuuuuuuuuuu · September 25, 2013

    modern.haverfordshire&lies upon lies???

  21. ppppuuuuuuuuuuuuuu · September 25, 2013

    live tv.bat.https

  22. ppppuuuuuuuuuuuuuu · September 25, 2013

    amzonwas.bookrvue..shrewcadence::run(nul)

  23. ppppuuuuuuuuuuuuuu · September 25, 2013

    can i westminster.make itright..billions

  24. tokyorose · September 25, 2013

    EDUCATION
    University of Michigan, Ann Arbor
    PhD, Philosophy, 1995
    JD, cum laude ,1987

    Thesis: “Nietzsche and the Critique of Morality.” Advisor: Peter Railton.
    Princeton University
    AB, Philosophy, cum laude, 1984

    EXPERIENCE
    University of Chicago Law School
    Karl N. Llewellyn Professor of Jurisprudence and Director, Center for Law, Philosophy & Human Values, 2011-Present
    John P. Wilson Professor of Law and Director, Center for Law, Philosophy, and Human Values, 2008-present
    Visiting Professor of Law, Fall 2006

    The University of Texas at Austin
    Hines H. Baker and Thelma Kelley Baker Chair in Law and Professor of Philosophy, 2006-2008
    Joseph D. Jamail Centennial Chair in Law and Professor of Philosophy, 2002-2006
    Charles I. Francis Professor in Law and Professor of Philosophy, 2000-2002
    Joe A. Worsham Centennial Professor in Law and Professor of Philosophy, 1997-2000
    Assistant Professor of Law and Philosophy (tenure-track in Law), 1995-1997

    University of San Diego
    Assistant Professor of Law (tenure-track), 1993-1995

    Oxford University
    Visiting Professor of Philosophy, 2011-2012

    University of Paris X, Nanterre
    Visiting Professor of Law, March 2010

    University College London
    Visiting Professor of Philosophy, 2001-2006 (honorary appointment, with teaching at various intervals)

    Yale University
    Visiting Professor of Law, 1998-1999

    University of California, San Diego
    Visiting Assistant Professor of Philosophy, Spring 1995

  25. ppppuuuuuuuuuuuuuu · September 25, 2013

    going for 1.26.toolate 2.lol make it?

  26. ppppuuuuuuuuuuuuuu · September 25, 2013

    i know.hawkdove.oyster

  27. ppppuuuuuuuuuuuuuu · September 25, 2013

    tons of ways to make it just dewey.beachlol

  28. ppppuuuuuuuuuuuuuu · September 25, 2013

    run:run:need lawyer $$$$ make.text?

  29. ppppuuuuuuuuuuuuuu · September 25, 2013

    text/winetavern.enough2ruin?hide?

  30. ppppuuuuuuuuuuuuuu · September 25, 2013

    do .t 4kids =mustache?>

  31. ppppuuuuuuuuuuuuuu · September 25, 2013

    thanks but no thanks im turnin this around

  32. ppppuuuuuuuuuuuuuu · September 25, 2013

    nothing online dating=making it are we now?

  33. ppppuuuuuuuuuuuuuu · September 25, 2013

    so filter&gawker=mooooooola?

  34. ppppuuuuuuuuuuuuuu · September 25, 2013

    if truth=toxic im slipping under

  35. ppppuuuuuuuuuuuuuu · September 25, 2013

    if social media =! $$$ paleo pizza?

  36. ppppuuuuuuuuuuuuuu · September 25, 2013

    script.txt make.it. once&big?

  37. ppppuuuuuuuuuuuuuu · September 25, 2013

    a.list=parents visit????.htm(yes)

  38. ppppuuuuuuuuuuuuuu · September 25, 2013

    zero.out.reputation=$$$$, free? making it

  39. andy doobs · September 25, 2013

    ring rong ting tong tubbo

  40. ppppuuuuuuuuuuuuuu · September 25, 2013

    protect.withclickware=making it?dream.html/adplus.nirvana.=?= ???kanye???

  41. ppppuuuuuuuuuuuuuu · September 25, 2013

    if craigslist is all frauds and lies why = $$$ ???

  42. ppppuuuuuuuuuuuuuu · September 25, 2013

    cant.trade.her.back/winning=forever????

  43. ppppuuuuuuuuuuuuuu · September 25, 2013

    HAHAHAHAHAHAAHHAHAA=I MADE IT!!!!!!??????

  44. Heick · September 25, 2013

    Get off your high horse bitch. You are a disgrace of a human being.

  45. MrWhite · September 25, 2013

    You think you are much better then you are. You fucked with that guy hard just cause he called it off with you. So much for you strong females. You’re weak, and had a woman moment where you had to try and get him fired. Pathetic

  46. Dan · September 25, 2013

    Yeah, I can’t stop reading this chick’s stuff now. Absolute try-hard idiocy of the worst kind. Imagine self-promoting in a CL response, ughhhhh….

    I can taste vomit in the back of my throat.

  47. AresAnonymous · September 25, 2013

    You are a disgrace to the human race. You will be brought down.
    We are Legion

  48. DancesWithWoks · September 25, 2013

    who the fuck is rachel?

  49. Monique · September 25, 2013

    You can’t even write! I have to reread everything you say just to make sense of it! That being said, I’m so glad you decided against medicine, you saved hundreds of people that day.

  50. Oh come on · September 25, 2013

    Defensive, much? Wow you are one insecure bunny if the (sometimes reasonable, sometimes revolting) response to your bizarre flaming of the source of a reasonably gentle rejection made you list all your bona fides and assure everyone what a massive success you are…way to prove the point of everyone who said you’ve got some serious issues going on.

  51. Bob Petumkin · September 25, 2013

    ***ATTENTION XO***

    I want to join your ranks but I don’t have a .edu so I cannot grace the Halls of Scholarship PLS RESPOND

  52. Dom · September 25, 2013

    I think he was trying to put it nicely. What he probably was really thinking when he said “I’m no looking for a relationship” (which rarely means just that when someone says it because if Heidi Klum came along, they’d all of a sudden be open to the concept) was “I woke up and realized you’re a fat psycho, and I need to run, but I better put this delicately, unless I want a boiled rabbit in my kitchen when I come home”.

    • Also Not Impressed · September 25, 2013

      Exactly!

  53. Cellen · September 25, 2013

    “My brother and I are looking for wedding dates for our cousin’s wedding in majestic Saratoga, New York on March 23rd, 2013.” Why did they reply to this ad? The wedding was in May 2013. What idiots. Am I the only one that noticed this?

    • observingnotjudging · September 25, 2013

      she wrote it in February….

  54. ChingChong · September 25, 2013
  55. Bob Petumkin · September 25, 2013

    ***ATTENTION XO***

    If you do manage to scrounge up an account just do email me at 2minuteh8 at the google email company kthx

  56. Crabjuice · September 25, 2013

    You are a writer whose self-published book has so far received 1 out of 5 stars for 51 out of the 60 reviews on Amazon. I wouldn’t brag. http://www.amazon.com/Type-A-Quin-Woodward-Pu/product-reviews/1463742223/ref=pr_all_summary_cm_cr_acr_txt?ie=UTF8&showViewpoints=1&sortBy=byRankDescending

  57. Bizlat · September 25, 2013

    No, mommy & daddy pay your mortgage, Quin. You don’t even have a real job, unless big pharma is paying you to test out their new mental illness drugs

  58. RobPerthAust · September 25, 2013

    Like a traffic accident, I keep on reading Pu’s ‘musings’ and they all smack of ego and self absorption… Pu’s misandristic attitude is counter productive to the Sex in the City-esque persona she is trying to clumsily cultivate, and the constant self-promotion reeks of level of desperation that I have never seen the likes of before. I can almost see the claw marks appearing on my computer screen!

    I hope the next few years are kind as there needs to be a whole lot more mental growing up to be done to catch up with your ‘worldly’ 26 years….. In your article/essay you mention the words ‘perfectly absurd’…. Why I do believe you hit it right on the head.

    • Bizlat · September 25, 2013

      Don’t worry, Quin will soon become a textbook case study in what NOT to do on the Internet

  59. Ayla · September 25, 2013

    “I am a writer, and yes, I write pretty egregiously honest memoirs. The Taylor Swift of literature. ”

    o_0

    Holy shit you’re delusional.

  60. hamptonhistory · September 25, 2013

    Just go to your stupid DC shill operation gala and pat yourself on the back for being “successful.” You couldn’t fcking define the term.

  61. Eeesh. · September 25, 2013

    She’s not fat, she’s just a miserable, horrible, awful person who is so wrapped up in her own reality that she doesn’t recognize the signs of complete megalomania.

    • BeetlejuiceBeetlejuiceBeetlejuice · September 25, 2013

      Agreed. And fat.

      • Jonathan · September 25, 2013

        Definitely.

  62. BeetlejuiceBeetlejuiceBeetlejuice · September 25, 2013

    The Hog Is a Lonely Hunter

    Much Ado About Stuffing

    Eat, Pray, Love, Eat Some More

    Eating the Mountains of Mudpies

    Zen And The Art of Eating Crisco

    Sophie’s Choice of Baked Potato or Fries

    Diabetes Comes for the Blogger

    Tropic of Candy Corn

    A Handful of Flab

    The Naked And The Fudge

    We’re still doing new book titles right?

    • Hwang Shin Moon · September 25, 2013

      The Naked and Their Lunch

      Stupid Annoying Cows I Have Known

      Slow Motion Train Wreck to China

  63. Eternal Footman · September 25, 2013

    Quin, you’re still an arrogant, pathetic twat.

  64. Andrew · September 25, 2013

    I have never seen elephantiasis so evolved on a human face. Poor girl. And that chin makes you look like Reece Witherspoon with a fucking elbow attached to her face. GG. The world does not revolve around you.

  65. Hootenanny Hank · September 25, 2013

    Jumping Jesus on a pogo stick, Quin, you’re one fat bag of batshit craaaaaaaaaazzy!!! Will the world really reward this ignorant twat with a “career” from the wreckage of this internet shitstorm? The good thing about your self delusion is that it will allow you to pretend like the world, united as they are in disgust at your existence, notices you and that makes you important. But you’re not. You’re a badly dressed bug copulating with the shit spittle of your own filthy assmouth.
    SEEK THERAPY — you are fucked in the head. Either that, or just sign the porn deal that you’re really after. You know, the one for $11000 where you get gangbanged by a bunch of fat old men who make Ron Jeremy look hot, God Rest His Soul.

  66. Jonathan · September 25, 2013

    He should’ve just cunt punted her.

  67. Salman · September 25, 2013

    What this woman needs is someone telling her what she did was wrong, and how to rectify it. She overreacted and acted in a way that was not at all decent, yet I am sure all her friends must be patting her on the back for it, which is where the problem lies. This behaviour will most likely continue.

    Her reaction was laughable, but I felt a little sad for her too, that she was unable to act like a decent, mature human being, that she wasn’t taught right from wrong. Having a condo or two books or whatever else means nothing when you don’t know how to act like a decent human being, regardless of the situation, and come on, it was a text from a guy who you had been on two dates. You could’ve just messaged him and let it all die down but everything else you did after that, was just pathetic.

    Please, for your own sake, try to be a better human being.

  68. Beetle juice · September 25, 2013

    You all are fools and fell for it… I’d say she’s clever because she got folks to read her blog. Congrats

    • Guy Fieri · September 25, 2013

      Except we aren’t reading her blog and just making fun of her for being a fat delusional cunt.

  69. Reginald Vel Johnson · September 25, 2013

    You’re fat. And a cunt. But don’t worry, it’s cool because you’re “quite happy being single.”

  70. azimm1984 · September 25, 2013

    You are ugly as hell. Inside & out.

  71. thatjohnyouknow · September 25, 2013

    LOL. This bitch is cray.

    Something tells me her daddy showed her a little too much attention, in a wrong way. I got a knack for sensing fucked up women, and my meters are going off the charts with this hooker.

    Cocaine / prescription drug addiction by 30, if not now. Dead in all manners of the word by 50. Irrelevant by the time I finish this comment. What a sad, sad excuse for a person.

  72. Johnny Colorado · September 25, 2013

    Quin, I found your perfect boyfriend. Actually, you can have your pick of two:

  73. Me · September 25, 2013

    you got some problems, girl.

  74. Alexis Theresday · September 25, 2013

    you’re a mentally handicapped whale. after three posts, I cannot put it any other way.

  75. duuuuh fatty · September 25, 2013

    she has those fat armpits where u could get confused in the night and think it was a big fat sloppy ass. probably all wet and stinky too

  76. Foo · September 25, 2013

    I wouldn’t even allow you the pleasure of choking on my load, you dirty cunt.

  77. Truth · September 25, 2013

    Seriously? Insulting the people who have bought your book is what you consider good pr and marketing? It was about the time you at least considered having done something wrong, even if having become the next laughing stock in internet and the 800+ negative comments here haven’t been big enough clue of that already. I bet most people having written here have decent jobs and actual content to their days and lives, which are things you, Quin, can’t claim to have. Leave writing when you still can, because that, sweetie, is something you simply don’t have the talent for. You were also stupid enough to post the chapter 3 in your book, which isn’t doesn’t exactly increase your credibility as an author and furthermore includes you violating the HIPAA regulations by revealing the full name of the patient you were supposed to be helping, rather than bashing her in the most hypocrite, disgusting and racist way imaginable. Your intolerance and delusion are astonishing, as is your manipulative narcissism. Taylor Swift of literature? Seriously….? Two self-published (did I mention self-published) books paid by your daddy doesn’t make you a writer or give you any credit at all. You have no merits or mentionable content to your 26 years of life and that is simply… sad. The internet will be entertained as long as you keep rolling in your delusions making a fool of yourself. Us “beautifully rabid Internet crazies”, will have our popcorn ready.

    And PS. I think you have to sell that condo to pay that fine for HIPAA.

  78. Not impressed · September 25, 2013

    quin woodward poop – ugly inside and out

  79. Also Not Impressed · September 25, 2013

    This lady is a fool, and a fucking cunt.

  80. Also Not Impressed · September 25, 2013

    Oops, I forget to mention you are also a horse-faced bitch. There, fixed it.

  81. Quin Woodward Pu · September 25, 2013

    Why are you guys so mean to me? Not that I care, I’m rich, I live in a condo and have written two books. I’m a memoirist FFS! And to those speaking about my daddy, he’s been nothing but the best to me. After I say goodnight to my parents, my daddy always checked up on me throughout the night, making me happy laying beside me and keeping me warm. I miss the warm yoghurt he fed me at night time and the way he tickled my dirty skank brown asshole. It’s still torn and hurts.

    • Hwang Shin Moon · September 25, 2013

      Genius

  82. WTF? · September 25, 2013

    But guys, she has a condo!

  83. This must be a trolling blog · September 25, 2013

    Reading this blog is like watching a car wreck. It’s horrible but you just can’t keep your eyes off of it.

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