I celebrated my 26th bday with entire species of troglodyte-sapiens effectively paying my mortgage in ad and book sales in 36 hours and going fantastically nutso about my outrageous, offensive, and completely factual response to someone. I’ll save everyone the googling to report that yes, I am a writer, and yes, I write pretty egregiously honest memoirs. The Taylor Swift of literature. It has worked out quite well thus far.I also have two sisters. They are rather pleasant, probably much more so than I. One is also a writer. The other is a doctor.
If you’re too broke to buy a $2.99 Kindle version of my books (yes, there are two: Type A+ and DIGFAST) since all your loose change goes to porn and acne cream, here’s a repost of my second-most read post from earlier this year, which was accepted but quickly devolved into reality show bait from which we walked away. Enjoy, you beautifully rabid Internet crazies, you:
Alright, so we don’t do too much of this kind of thing here, but for the sake of getting in front of these people, we just had to publish our response to this amazing Craigslist ad looking for two wedding dates.
Messrs Dave & Mike:
My friend [Anonymous] and I are highly interested in your wedding date proposition.
I stumbled across this gem while enjoying a normal day at work–I’m a social media pro that spends 95% of my billable time trolling social media sites. But don’t worry–I’m half-Chinese, and therefore extremely tan year-round, in addition to being socially-adjusted, despite my cyber-heavy blogging life
[Anonymous] is my sorority sister from college, Vanderbilt University. She’s headed to medical school and has been my international travel buddy, law-breaking partner in crime, and go-to resource to answer questions like, “how do I deal with the Duke of Haverfordshire’s weird sexual fetishes?,” and, “How much is six million Arab Emirate Dirhams in USD?”
I could wax poetic about all the reasons [Anonymous] and I make the perfect pairing, but you guys are boys, so I opted for no-nonsense bullet points instead.
- We have strong party abilities. Not only are we excellent arm candy, but we can sustain all night long (but never overdo tastelessly), and hold intelligent, thought-provoking conversations. We’ve both done it with royalty, former Presidents, and rap stars. You could say we are utilitarian.
- What one doesn’t have, the other does–brunette to blonde, all-American to exotic, writer to doctor, Southerner to New Englander. Unfortunately we are both rather buxom, tan, and well-dressed, so whichever one of you prefers anorexic trampires in Old Navy is going to have to deal.
- It’s clear from your call to action that you appreciate the absurd, and that’s just what Pu-[Anonymous] industries specializes in. Please see the attached Photoshop magnificence and this Pinterest board I made you for more examples of our creativity and non-stop down-to-party mentality.
Oh, and if you wanted this to be a movie–fear not, I can write that script in a few weeks and have it pitched within a month. And you’d better believe we’ll be taping Today show interviews the morning after.
Quin & [Anonymous]