politi-couture for the urbane sophisticate
With new airport x-ray scanners essentially being a strip search, why not don these rubber pasties to cover up your bits? For only $20 this new set is yours! The pasties come with your choice of the following sexy phrases: “Only my Husband/Wife/Girlfriend/Boyfriend sees me Naked” stamped right on the front. A true crowd pleaser! It can also be used to send a message to that pesky TSA agent who wants to get a drink at the Airport Chilli’s after his shift. Win-Win.
As an avid fan of all hair treatments, I know this is not how extensions are supposed to look:
How else could you explain this “fashion” statement featuring blad heads and beards from Patrick Mohr? On “women?!”
Editor’s note: Jean shorts have, in this blog, previously been described as “jorts.” Intern Hilary prefers “Jhorts.” We find both to be acceptable.
Many girls, when asked about their favorite clothes, will gush about the perfect pair of jeans. The jeans that just fit so well, look good with everything, and have never let you down. For me, those are my J. Brand pencil leg jeans in Ink (of which I have three pairs). The wash is dark and luxurious, and the amount of stretch in the waist allows me to eat actual meals. Parting with my three inky J. Brands would be hard, indeed.
Now, what is your least favorite article of clothing? The least flattering thing you can imagine someone trying to pull off? Personally, that would have to be jhorts. Jean shorts. Now, I’m not talking about all jhorts—some versions are adorable with strategic rips and a looser fit. These are best paired with a simple, loose tee shirt and gladiator sandals. These jhorts are acceptable.
The unacceptable jhorts are the skin-tight ones with an inseam measuring, well, pretty darn short. Only last night I spied a girl sporting the shortest, tightest pair of jhorts I have ever seen. I had to wonder if she was trying to cut off circulation to her nether regions, or if there was some other motive. Whatever her goal, the message her jhorts screamed was something like, “All hail my camel toe!” She was like a walking horror film because as much as I wanted to stop staring, I just couldn’t peel my eyes away from her horrid fashion choice.
Some may call me judgmental, and if that’s the case, so be it. I won’t lie; I’ve tried on many pairs of jhorts. But, unlike the aforementioned girl, I refuse to settle for unflattering jean shorts that suction themselves to my skin and make my legs fall asleep because of their fit. So my search continues for a pair of suitable jhorts that won’t make my great-grandparents turn over in their graves. Until then, I’ll continue to roll my eyes at girls who look like they’re wearing clothes from Baby Gap.
From and Associated Press story about dressing one’s age, the creative director of Kate Spade, Deborah Lloyd, continued the baseless pandering to the FLOTUS’ horrific fashion choices: [Michelle Obama] “highlights her strengths and maintains a youthful modern look with interesting silhouettes and bright colors, while never trying to dress too young.”
Is that a joke? I’ve seen birthday cakes at a 4-year-old’s birthday party that look more mature.
With the heat of summer comes wedding season, one of my favorite times of the year. This past weekend I attended a wedding in St. Louis. Unfortunately, I was shocked by the apparel and behavior of some of the guests, and as the night progressed, things began to go downhill.
Let me start with proper summer wedding fashion. I know it’s hot out. I know the sun is shining. Does this make it OK to wear skin-tight, skimpy dresses? No! At the church, more people were gawking at the barely-there dresses on the guests than at the bride’s beautiful one-shoulder stunner. My date commented that one girl looked like she “stepped right out of a Forever21 or Claire’s catalogue.” Let’s say it in unison—ewwww.
On another note, if you’re going to go with a short dress, remember that no one sees the size on the tag but you—don’t be afraid to go up a size. I saw many girls who looked like they were about to pop their dresses open. Don’t be the stuffed sausage that everyone is whispering about during the toasts. Soft and flowing is more appropriate than ruched satin any day of the week.
Back to the weekend wedding blunders. After the initial shock of the tacky dresses wore off, the reception appeared to flow along smoothly. Well, at least until one guest decided to break up with his girlfriend at the dinner table, and another reduced his girlfriend to tears in his belligerent drunken state. The point of a wedding is to honor the marriage of the bride and groom, not to sort out one’s own relationship woes in the most public way possible.
When choosing the perfect date to bring to a wedding, it’s usually a better idea to go with someone who can keep his or her cool under the influence. One particularly sloshed and rowdy girl went around slapping derrieres, including my date’s. Twice. Hands off, drunky. Inappropriate touching is a big no-no, and it’s dangerous to make a redhead mad. Just sayin’.
So what wedding etiquette have we learned today? For starters, when getting dressed, remember that it’s the bride’s day to shine, not the perfect opportunity to test-drive the smallest scrap of fabric in your closet. When attending a wedding, leave unnecessary drama at the door so all the guests can enjoy themselves. And always remember to go easy on the booze, especially if you’re prone to beer tears or confrontational antics.
Remember people; it’s a wedding, not a free-for-all! Dress appropriately, watch your drinking, and for the love of cake, keep your hands to yourself!
I’m about to leave for Texas to see my sister graduate medical school. Thus, this is huge breaking news:
Miss Tila is platinum blonde, a feather duster, and a magician. Have a great weekend!
