politi-couture for the urbane sophisticate
The unwed daughter of Sarah Palin has been offered a spot on one of TV’s fave family shows, and Bristol was excited to accept. Appearing on “The Secret Life of the American Teenager,” Bristol will be playing herself.
The nineteen-year-old is “thrilled” to be on the show, and added, that she hoped her example would make other teens think twice before engaging in sexual activities in the teen years.
Suri Cruise is only three years old and already she’s hotter than both her celub ‘rents. It’s a wonder, then, why Katie Holmes allows her to wear more lipstick than a trampy extra from Cabaret. It’s no surprise, I guess, given this is the same toddler that wears high heels. I’m sensing the first round of topless photos around age 5 and a porno by the early teens.
It’s working!
A school in Tampa bay is utilizing some of its $350,000 in stimulus money to give out iPods to parents who filled out a survey about how to get parents involved with the school system.
Don’t worry–it was a grueling ten-minute long online survey, so these parents were really deserving of a taxpayer-funded bit of technology.
When President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad said, “Israel must be wiped off the map,” I don’t think anyone was expecting Target to go join that fight. Should we now add Target Corp to the Axis of Evil?
The trendy discount store, which has made some outrageous moves in the past, such as not allowing Salvation Army Ringers outside of the store during the Christmas Holiday season, has begun selling “modified” globes in the children’s department. Perhaps in a show of support for anti-semitics everywhere, Target has casually removed the word “Israel” from the country’s space on the map, replacing it with–you guessed it!–”Palestine.”
The globes have been yanked out of stores, and the idiots at Target responded to complaints with some hogwash about Israel being omitted due to space reasons.
Forget dancefloor makeout. Tweens from Union Grove High School are in for a surprise when they show up to their next dance. They will find a new set of rules posted on the door, and to give you a SparkNotes version: stop having sex with clothes on when you’re fourteen. It’s great that we’re regulating this, but it’s also rather depressing that this has to be explicitly written.
“When dancing back to front, all dancers must remain upright – no sexual bending is allowed,” the policy reads. “Examples are, no hands on knees, and no hands on the dance floor with your buttocks touching your dance partner. There will be no touching of the breasts, buttocks or genitals. There will be no straddling of each others’ legs. Both feet must remain on the floor at all times.
Hide your tweens, because the awesomely virginal threesome known as the Jonas Brothers will be hitting up our nation’s capital today. Well, at least Joe Jonas will be. The middlest of the JoBros is coming to DC to support and advocate the proposed Eunice Kennedy Shriver Act of 2010. This Act is named after the late Eunice Kennedy Shriver, who dedicated much of her life to the philanthropic endeavors of the Special Olympics. Joe Jonas will be teamed with Timothy Shriver and Anthony Shriver, who works for Best Buddies International, to support this worthy cause.
So this is normal: clothe your small child in a glorified saloon dress featuring the face of Dita von Teese, and then take her (the child) to meet her (von Teese) at a book signing for Dita: Stripteese. Nothing says “role model” like a former porn star-turned-burlesque-dancer-who-dated-MARILYN-MANSON. I’m surprised Dita hasn’t given a guest lecture at this little girl’s Kindergarten about how to make it big without compromising your morals.
From the same people that told you that the anti-conservative indoctrination from Sesame Street was NBD comes a criticism of the popular childrens’ show Thomas the Tank Engine. The morningtime favorite is based off of a book series by a reverend, so obviously it is misogynistic and part of a vast right-wing conspiracy.
According to The Daily Mail, professor Shauna Wilton is “uncomfortable” that most engines are men, women are secondary roles. This is a direct sentence from the “expose” on Thomas the woman hater:
Any attempt by the downtrodden workers to show initiative or dissent is met with punishment, she (Wilton) found. In one episode, for example, Thomas whistles impatiently at a police officer and is replaced with a different engine as a punishment for showing dissent.
Wait so teaching children a good work ethic and to be polite suddenly makes Thomas the Tank Engine a sexist?!
Personally I’m OUTRAGED that Strawberry Shortcake, Rainbow Brite, and My Little Pony featured female characters. Obviously there are an overwhelming majority of little boys who love baking cakes, rainbows, and unicorns. Probably the same number of little girls who throw away their barbies for Tonka trucks.
In the vein of true journalism, as seen in the now-famous leprechaun YouTube video, here’s another little gem from a local news station delivering hard-hitting reality about a Miley Cyrus doll singing “Rockin’ Around the Christmas Tree.” Problem is, the tween sensation’s signature throaty voice makes the line “later we’ll have some pumpkin pie” sound like “later we’ll have some f*ckin pie.” Happy Holidays!
In my opinion, Halloween is the best holiday of the year. October 31st is not only one day of the year where debauchery of all sorts is permitted, but it is also my birthday. And this year, it’s my 21st. Usually, birthday girls wear the outfit that they would not be allowed to get away with on any other day of the year, often because it is so blatantly attention-grabbing and screams, almost rudely, “look at me! It’s my birthday!” Now apply that theory to my Halloween birthday. The question for me isn’t can I top last year’s outfit?, but rather, can my costume this year be even better than last year?
I’ve had some borderline-epic costumes over the years. For the first three years of my existence, I was a pumpkin. In pre-kindergarten, I was a white cat, and in kindergarten, a cheerleader. First grade I dressed as a giant silver foil Hershey’s Kiss, and third grade I was Robin Hood. By the time middle school rolled around, I think I believed myself to be “over” dressing up. But then high school arrived and I got back into the swing of things, dressing as “Camo Girl,” a character of my own invention.
And then came college. Freshman year I was a Beer Girl, fondly known as “German Beer Maiden Fraulein Girl.” As a sophomore, I was a Trojan warrior complete with red-plumed helmet and dagger. This year, I will be the yellow “Fanta” girl on Friday night, complete with the perfect accessories: three friends to dress up as the other Fantas. On Saturday the 31st, my 21st, I will return to the basics and be a cheerleader, complete with my very own football player. Although this costume is a tad different than the one I sported in Kindergarten, it will no doubt stir fond memories as I celebrate reaching the legal drinking age (relatively) unscathed.
So for this one night of the year, have fun and go crazy, but remember the wise words of my older brother: “safety is key.” There’s nothing like jail time to ruin a birthday!
qwp’s Halloween Editor’s note: happy birthday, BOO!
