Serpentine jewelry snaking around wrists, waists, and wallets

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Call it “fall of man” fashions, but the serpent has been making for some seriously lethal new looks for the upcoming season. Back in the times of Adam and Eve, everything was much simpler: all you had to do was pick out your favorite fig leaf and you’d have your outfit for the day. In post-Lapsarian 2009, we are shamelessly flashing this symbolically sinister snake around as a new way to flaunt our status and wealth.

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With our current economic crisis showing no letting up in the near future, the government has taken to the taxpayer wallet to float unnecessary spending and pork-stuffed legislation. We can feel the boa constricting across our paychecks with every tax hike Congress inexplicably passes.

The snake has many different representations, but almost all interpretations are united by a dark, conniving understanding of the animal. From pop culture (House of Slytherin, anyone?) to classical lore (Medusa’s awesomely cold-blooded weave), these flexible vertebrates are the next big thing.

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On the plus side, there are a few positive attributes to the serpent that should not be discounted. For example, a snake swallowing its tail is a symbol of eternity, which offers us so optimism in these financially dark times when we can only pray for an upswing in the economic cycle. Without the snake eating its tail icon, we may never have experienced aromatic scents like perfume and important beauty products like hair dye (to bring this point home for men: no basketballs or condoms). Here Kekulé, a German chemist, discovered the benzene ring. If you aren’t fresh out of OChem, just know it’s an uber-important compound. Kekulé said that he discovered the ring shape of the benzene molecule dreaming of a snake biting its own tail. From this scientific discovery we have made endless fashion items, like sticky bras (always an awkward surprise for your date) and the dreaded leggings.

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So if you’re tired of the same boring bangles and leather belts, try on an anaconda for size. Whether naughty of nice, these endlessly fascinating creatures make for great conversation starters at your next cocktail party.