“Stimulus” package lives up to its name

With the economy in the toilet and the current administration throwing parties over a drop in unemployment of one-tenth of a percent (after taking a several point hike that was not as publicly paraded), it’s a good thing the stimulus package is arousing something.

The Washington Post revealed that the next fiscal year will see researchers benefitting from the stimulus package to look into sexual studies that are inexplicably going to boost our economy.

The National Institutes of Health awarded $221,000 to look into “barriers to correct condom use” at Indiana University. Is there some reason why it takes six figures to explain how to wrap it up? Other outrageous grants went to Syracuse University, which received $219,000 to study the hookup culture among students. As an ’09 graduate from Vanderbilt University, I can assure you that four years’ worth of private school tuition to study the hit-it-and-quit-it phenomenon is money poorly spent. Beers are 2-for-1 at Flying Saucer on Mondays, and if you wink at the right people, this experiment could have been carried off expense-free.

UChicago will receive $123,000 to study drugs as a sex enhancer for “high-risk community sex networks.” The University of Maryland, on the other hand, will win a paltry $28,000 to study meth and its ability to create an “insatiable need” for sex among abusers. I just hope they expensed enough money to secure the borders between The Free State and an angry ice-seeking Amy Winehouse. I can already see her busting out of rehab Bellatrix Lestrange out-of-Azkaban style. Only with more herpes and less clothing.

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